


After Shocks

by PhenomenalBrat



Category: Happiest Season (2020)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Chaos, Characters being outted, Christmas, Emotionally neglectful parents, F/F, Flashbacks, Gay Drama, High School
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:35:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27769141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhenomenalBrat/pseuds/PhenomenalBrat
Summary: Harpers contemplates her past relationship with Riley and the devastating day that she betrayed Riley in high-school. Harper finds herself coming to an important realization as she gears herself to speak her own truth to her family after the chaos of the Christmas party.
Relationships: Harper Caldwell/Abby Holland
Comments: 1
Kudos: 37





	After Shocks

After Shocks

(Past Harper/Riley, Abby/Harper)

Authors notes: 

TW: Public putting of Queer characters, crying, Emotionally neglectful parents

**Harper**

"Harper is a Lesbian." Sloane spat the words out like a verbal slap. The room drug to a painful silence.

There it was. I looked over to Abby as she stood by the door patiently watching the theatrical self serving mess that was my family as we imploded on each other. In that instant I felt less like the adult I had become and more like the teenager I had been; scared, weak and nervous as I blurted out a denial that was more habit at this point than anything. " She's lying."

I could see the disappointment crossing Abby's face even as the words passed my lips and yet some force, probably they same one which compelled me to compete, always for my Parents love, pushed me to double down on that denial as hard as I could. Everything hurt. I could feel myself speaking and for a moment I looked towards the side of the room, catching sight of Riley. Everything felt a bit too familiar right then.

**. . . .**

**(13 years ago)**

_ Whatever Mr Walter had been droning on about in Math had completely went in one of my ears and out the other. Riley had been passing me notes with these little doodles she did; so of cartoons, some of me as she sat behind me. I was still looking at them as I strolled up to my locker. Megan was a few feet behind me, trailing after me to follow me to soccer 'Debate team practice along with a few other girls from the team. I didn't really like being in Debate team but I was good at it. Mom and Dad loved the idea of me being on the team. I couldn't say "no" and risk the drama it would cause. It was so much easier to just go with it. _

_ "What's that? Megan asked as a few letters fell out of my locker. It was one of Riley's notes or rather poetry that she had written. _

_ Woke up thinking of you _

_ Perhaps what they say is True _

_ I believed love was a trick to blind _

_ And yet you changed my mind _

_ Our secret to keep in time _

_ You're still my secret Valentine. _

_ Love Ri- _

_ I found it in my locker this morning. Riley tended to surprise me with especially shockingly soft things like that when she could tell I was feeling particularly low and unable to deal with yet another activity or show of perfection that was being asked of me or any of us really. I love that she did that.  _

_ "Oh my god! Megan exclaimed as she had picked it up and read it before I could stop her. _

_ I can't describe the dread that slithered down my spine as the rest of the girls moved in closer. My heart raced as I fervently mumbled a prayer to God to either turn back time or just strike me dead. _

_ "Ri? Like as in, Riley? Oh my god. Harper-" _

_ I felt like I was possessed. I had this habit I learned from my Dad, where I guess my brain just automatically deflected. Deny what you can and reframe the context of what you can't. I was speaking before I knew it. _

_ "Yeah. Uhm- it's...honestly I think she's a tiny bit obsessed with me. She's been dropping me these notes lately. It has been rather weird. I- I think she's gay. " I told them. I felt disgusted with myself even as I did it. The racing pounding feeling in my chest would not cease though.  _

_ "She always did seem a little weird." _

_ "Do you think she like- like watches you change in the locker room during gym? _

_ At that question, my mind pictured the last time Riley and I had found a moment alone during gym in the locker room, when she had kissed me senseless, to wipe away the tears that had come with Sloane morning onslaught of demoralization when she revealed my 'C-' to our parents in an every going war for affection. _

_ "I don't know. You guys can't say anything." I was insisting. _

_ I looked up to see Riley walking towards me. She was coming to check on me like she always did. Her pace slowed as she saw the swarm of 'the clique' as she called them, and she sort of stopped, near her own locker on the other side of the hall.  _

_ "Here comes your stalker!" Sarah spoke loudly, sending Megan into a round of snickers. Not for the first time I wondered how I hung out with them. Riley looked at me, clearly having heard as she finally took in the mess of things that had fallen out of my locker. She seemed to be putting two and two together. I could read her so easily. Her eyes lost some of that spark and the twinge of pain that colored her depths.  _

_ Megan and the rest made snide remarks in mick whispering as Riley turned to her locker. I couldn't speak. I wanted to say something but I felt powerless, petrified and just so small; small enough to fit into the boxes that this town and school and family had created for me. And then like pouring salt on a wound I knew I had inflicted, I just couldn't shut up. "I'm not gay so it's so awkward, as I don't wanna hurt her feeling but-" I laughed a little, hoping the lie went well. _

_ Riley didn't yell across the hall or out me or say anything. I think it was her lack of anger that burned the whole incident forever into my memory.  _

**. . . .**

**(Present)**

My dad was still chastising us as we cleaned. The hand shake and the simple easy way that Riley had told me, " _ Shes one of the good ones,"  _ had instantly clear any mild jealousy I might have felt over her and Abby hanging out, not that Ihad any room to complain truth be told. I had no reason to even have felt that way. Riley, despite the swagger and charm and that magnetic pull she had was not onto cheating or trying to mess me up. Honestly she could of ousted me or pulled or the letter and text I sent her but she never had. Riley wasn't like that; It's probably why I felt even worse that I had sink so low back then.

"And Sloane, making up lies about your sister-" My dad's lecture continued. I could feel him seeking to make sure I fervently denied what Sloane had said. 

Like an compelled childhood habit, I felt myself moving to agree that Sloane had lied only to find my mind realizing that that wasn't what I wanted. The fear of ousting myself had been replacing with an even bigger fear. If I lied again, there was eventually going to be no "Me" left to out. I would suffocated under the weight of the lie if I let it. Abby didn't deserve that. And it occurs to me then, after I had fucked everything up already that I didn't deserve that either. Hell, Sloane and Jane deserved better than this too.

Maybe it was just that I needed the chaos to break me down or perhaps it was the recollection of that look Abby gave me that so very much echoed Riley's but much like a child learning to walk, I found myself blurting out the truth, which was probably the most powerful weapon I had at the moment. 

"She wasn't lying." My words hit the room like a wrecking ball and I waited...waited for the aftershock I had always believed would follow. 

FIN

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